Hi guys, I just returned from a solo trip to Kashmir! By the way, it’s been a long time since I wrote something about what I learned in life. This time, I want to share about autonomy.
So, one day, I was listening to a self-growth podcast while working and realised the topic was very spot on for me.
Sorry, it’s in Indonesian and the channel doesn’t have English subtitles. So, it started with,
“Have you ever seen someone eating alone?”
Or maybe you saw someone sitting alone in the cinema, enjoying the movie without any friends beside them?
This person could even be you.”
And I was like, ‘Wow, this is so me!!’
I like eating alone at lunch so I can have me-time, read some manga and news.
I also don’t mind going to the cinema alone because I can decide when, where, and which movie I want to watch (just watched “Michael” alone last Saturday!).
For someone who goes to the gym almost every day, I mostly watch movies on the weekends, at a cinema near my house, in the morning before 12pm because… the tickets are cheaper 😂 😂 😂
OK, please don’t judge. I have a very expensive hobby (travelling), so I have to manage my budget well ✌️ ✌️ ✌️
The drawback is, if it’s the earliest movie schedule, sometimes the cinema is empty and I get scared, haha… Luckily, I have no cinema ghost story so far 👻 👻 👻
Alright, back to the podcast. It continues with,
“But the real question is, what happens inside the minds of people who feel comfortable going solo?
Why do some people look chill eating alone in the restaurant, walking alone in the shopping malls or travelling solo, while others feel awkward doing so?”
And I was like, ‘Oh, so I’m not the only one?? There’s a psychology behind it — means I’m not weird?’
Fyi, I never care what people think of me whenever I’m doing things alone. I was curious about why I feel comfortable being alone and wanted to understand myself better.
A 2017 study from the University of Maryland found that many people tend to avoid doing activities alone in public not because they can’t, but because they’re worried about being judged negatively by others, such as:
Is that person lonely?
Antisocial?
Has no friends?
The same study also found that actually, there’re no such things; it was all in our heads. This is called the ‘spotlight effect’.
Spotlight effect = feeling there’s a spotlight on us, as if everyone notices what we’re doing
In fact, people are too busy thinking about themselves!
Then, the podcast continued to discuss why some people like to do things alone. Oooh, finally, the part that I’d been waiting for!
It turned out that this ‘going solo’ habit is actually a fundamental human need called autonomy.
Autonomy = making own decisions that align with personal values and goals, without being pressured by others
Quoting from an article from Verywell Mind, “To feel autonomous, we must feel that our preferences, behaviors, needs, and motivation are aligned.
This allows us to then feel that we are living our lives according to our own direction and interests.”
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My Autonomous Behaviour and the Motivations Behind It
OK, so the article also explains that there are two main motivations behind autonomy behaviour: extrinsic and intrinsic.
If you’re an extrovert or someone who can’t stand being alone, you may find my behaviour weird. Real-life examples of my autonomous behaviour:
- I arrive at the office, have breakfast, and greet + short talk with some colleagues
- Work
- Lunch alone + read manga and news, etc
- Work
- Gym
- Dinner
- Sleep
I mainly focus on my work and don’t really talk or hang out with other colleagues (unless there’s something that I want to catch up on) because I have a goal: to get the job done quickly so I can go to the gym on time 😆 😆 😆 #lesmills
And then, there are layers…
I wanna go to the gym because I like exercise, I want to stay fit, and I love dancing. Dancing makes me happy.
I’m also the type of person who doesn’t need many friends, prefers to stay at home on the weekends, and live a simple life when I’m not travelling because… again, my hobby is very expensive.
How do you think I could afford all those trips? Plus supporting my parents and saving for my retirement?
Social tax is real, baby. The more close friends you have, the bigger your spending will be.
Birthdays, hangouts, bridal showers… especially if you have a different budget that doesn’t match your friends’ lifestyle.
Now, I’m not being picky or penny-pinching, but I prefer to be close to people whom I really feel comfortable with.
With all of these, I can stay healthy and be on track with my budget 😉
So, to sum it up:
✨ My extrinsic motivation: the gym has a fixed class schedule (I can’t be late) and I need money for travelling
✨ My intrinsic motivation: I love dancing, I want me-time during lunch, and I want to be on track with my budget
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Does Autonomy Suit You?
I don’t know about you, but I feel autonomous life is suitable for people with a strong desire for something… and who are comfortable practising the art of not giving a F 🌸 🌸 🌸.
Some people may ask why you’re doing things alone, look at you with pity, wondering why you’re not invited to group activities, etc etc… when in fact you prefer it that way.
Or, there will be times when you have to make a difficult decision, risking your reputation/relationship with others.
Let me share a good example from my personal experience. It happened many years ago, when I was working at another company.
So, I was one of the new joiners. One day, a senior sent a message to the group saying they bought a birthday cake for our manager and each person would chip in RM20.
I was shocked. At that time, with a medium-sized group, it would usually be around RM10/person.
“Oh, we decided to buy a Häagen-Dazs birthday cake.”
They decided within themselves, without prior discussion with the juniors. FYI, at that time, RM20 could get you around 3-4 mixed rice lunches.
As a broke junior, of course, I felt the pinch. If I’d known that manager for a long time and had a good work relationship with him, then I wouldn’t mind.
If I chipped in RM20, I had to reduce my already low lunch budget for a week. I didn’t want to eat only rice and vegetables 🥹
So, I replied in the group chat that I wasn’t informed about it before they bought the cake and could only pitch in RM10, according to my budget.
BOOM.
Ahahahahahahah…. so satisfying 😆 😆 😆
Other juniors kept silent and chipped in, but then they complained at the back.
Honestly, I had mixed feelings. I was happy being able to stand for my rights, but nervous at the same time. I was a newbie, after all. What if the seniors made my life difficult at work?
Thankfully, my seniors were kind and understanding. The one who paid for the cake didn’t even want me to chip in because they didn’t inform me beforehand (I still paid him, though).
In my case, I was lucky to have such seniors. From that day on, they knew that this girl, who was always smiling, had boundaries and could say ‘NO’.
If you still care what people think of you, embracing an autonomous life will be challenging, especially with family and colleagues.
But the good news is, you can start practising it if you want to! And of course, be mindful of the situation. Not giving a F 🌸 🌸 🌸 doesn’t mean you can act as you please.
To close this blog post, I want to highlight that autonomy isn’t isolation or arrogance.
It’s not about building walls and cutting all interactions with other people. It’s not doing as you please and hurting people to meet your goals.
It’s more about being true to yourself and living in a certain way to meet your goals. You can be a good person and be autonomous at the same time.
Alright guys, thank you for reading this blog post! I hope what I’m sharing is informative or useful. Have a wonderful week ahead! 🌻 🌻 🌻
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